The Whole Truth, &Nothing
Credit to Bill Maloney #3570
When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees does it
take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind
being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is
considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count
Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term
for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Question: Why are retirees so slow
to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult
kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a
Question: What is the best way
to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest
advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often
say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
Observations of Life........
From, Charlie Newpol #2209
1) When I die, I want to die like my
grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like
all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin"
and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to
find you a temp." -Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that
study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be
eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest
to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn
slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
same." --Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
Congress... But I just repeated myself." --Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've
thought of that!'" --Dave Barry
20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease"
was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased
From, Don McCombs #3591
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort
to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time
choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're
not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of
your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure
it's something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight 245 to Tampa.. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other
seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." !
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event
of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here
to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach,
the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome
to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to! please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a
little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if
I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is
it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Capt.Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if
you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the
wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore,! we shou ld have a smooth
and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yellled, "That's
nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Golf is such an Easy Game:
Credit to Sid Wugalter #2953:
Everyone can learn to play golf! Once a player
has mastered the grip and stance, all he has to bear in mind, in the
brief two-second interval it takes to swing, is to keep his left
elbow pointed in toward the left hip and his right arm loose and
closer to the body than the left----and take the clubhead past his
right knee---and then break the wrists at just the right instant
while the left arm is still traveling straight back from the ball
and the right arm stays glued to the body---and the hips come around
in a perfect circle---and meanwhile everything is mucked up unless
the weight is 60 percent on the left foot and 40 percent on the
right---not an ounce more or less---and at just the right point in
the turn the left knee bends in toward the right in a dragging
motion until the left heel comes off the ground---but not too
far---and be sure the hands are over the right foot---but not on the
toe more than the heel---except that the left side of the right foot
is tilted off the ground---but not too far---and be sure the hands
at the top of the swing are high and the shaft points along a line
parallel with the ground---and if its a downhill lie the shaft is
supposed to be pointed downhill too---and pause at the top of the
swing and count one, jerk the left arm straight down like a bell
ringer yanking a belfry rope---and don't uncock the wrists too soon
and pull the left hip around in a circle---but don't let the
shoulders turn with the hips, they have to be facing the hole---and
now transfer the weight 60 percent to the left foot and 40 percent
to the right---not an ounce more or less---and tilt the left foot
now so the right side of it is straight---that's the one you hit
against---watch out for the left hand, it's supposed to be
extended---but not too stiff or the shot won't go anywhere---and
don't let it get loose or you will hook---and let the wrists uncock---but
don't force them or you'll smother the shot---and don't break too
soon but keep your head down---then hit the ball!
THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT!!
And people ask why I gave up Golf!!!!
Martha vs. Maxine
Thanks to Seymour Kahn #3566
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet
up eating it, anyway!
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix,
keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit
of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on
the outside of the cake.
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for
an instant "fix-me-up."
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad.
Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you
will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator
and it will keep for weeks.
heard of it!
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to
yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg
whites over the crust so I don't.
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing
gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
for future use in casseroles and sauces.
New Severe EMAIL Virus
Contributed by Jim Brown #3220
I thought you would want to know
about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton
or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those
who were born prior to "1965".
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!!!!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!!!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Who
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well Darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh No~ not
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND...?..*..@..!..$..
&..and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE. "OH NO!!!!!
After years they put a name to it; it is called: C-Nile Virus
Ok folks, it's like falling down; get up and dust yourself off and
let's keep those e-mails going.
Old military sayings
Ralph Kiss #2684
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade
launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite
unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on
US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our
friend. - U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very
accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly
over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword
obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on
ammo." - Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you,
come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." -
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last,
and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're
afraid." - David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking
into an ambush." - infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed
inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." -
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing
to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around
you." - Your Buddie
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow
him." - USAF Ammo Troop
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I
Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the
entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at
Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when
you're on fire."
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in
the ocean than submarines in the sky" - From an old carrier sailor
"If the wings are traveling faster than the
fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane
you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just
another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic
controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC
screws up, .... the pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions (or famous last
words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight
attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always
needed to successfully complete the flight."
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is
all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we
never left one up there!"
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in
a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
"Flying the airplane is more important than
radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of
understanding or doing anything about it."
"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well,
something was forgotten."
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather,
your funeral will be
held on a sunny day."
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a
prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest,
cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the
world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley
(Northrop test pilot)
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't
flying his plane maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the
thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned
aerobatic and test pilot)
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone
braver than you."
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm
in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB,
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter,
it's about to."
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of
the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be
recognized by the appearance of mountains, ground, buildings, sea,
trees or interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked
when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental
aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing,
the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks
"What happened?". Pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here
myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
Church Bulletins Are Back!
Credits to Charlie Newpol #2209
They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with
typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins
or were announced in church services
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Uppe
QUOTES FROM BOB HOPE
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
Credit to Seymour Kahn #3566
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday
suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost
more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything
until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring
. the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their
wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards ! or, as
it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the
ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor
said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I
think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When
it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it
wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate
to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
~ Will Rogers
"Conversion Factors for your
John Williams #2764
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its
diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
16. 365 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration
26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale
University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
Literary laugh lines
Submitted by Charles Newpol #2209
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost
like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
- Moses Hadas
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in
others." - Samuel Johnson
He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by
diligent hard work, he overcame them." - James Reston (about Richard
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it." - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." -
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring
a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there
- Winston Churchill, in reply
"Interpreter! Interpreter! How do you say the opposite of Vive Le
- Winston Churchill, on Charles de Gaulle
"A sheep in sheep's clothing." - Winston Churchill, on Clement Atlee
"There but for the grace of God, goes God.” - Winston Churchill, on
“He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself
and hurried on as if nothing had happened." - Winston Churchill, on
Credit to Charlie Newpol #2209
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when
you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas oxymoron: What other time of the year do you sit in
front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Some Aviation Humor
Thanks to: Sid Wugalter #2953
In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot
Brian Shul writes:
"I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day
as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern
California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio
transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles
airspace. Although they didn't really control us, they did monitor
our movement across their scope.
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots"
Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same.
"120 knots," Center answered.
We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as
almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52
requests ground speed readout."
There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the
Another silent pause.
As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a
familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater.
It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a
real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20,
you got a ground speed readout for us?"
There was a longer than normal pause....
“Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That's about 2004.658 mph)
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving
a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous
controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan
to get up to 60,000 feet?
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go
up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He
placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the
navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost
before you will."
When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq the Army Blackhawk helicopter used
to transport the Senator was given the call sign "broomstick one."
And they say the Army has no sense of humor!
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled
out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came
back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that
and I'll have enough parts for another one."
These are from across the Pond
with an English Flavor
Donald McCombs #3591
British Airways flight asks for push back
clearance from terminal.
Control Tower replies: "And where is the world's most experienced
airline going today without filing a flight plan?"
ATC: Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango
check for workers along taxiway
AZA: Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are
ARN851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for
10,000, requesting runway 15."
Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a
pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect
ACA1147: "Moncton, Air Canada 1147, can you get the winds from 167
CZQM: "As soon as I get a chance, I will."
(some time passes with continuous radio chatter)
ACA1147: "Moncton, 1147, what are his winds up there?"
CZQM: "Standby for that, please"
(more radio chatter)
ACA1147: "Moncton, can you ask company 167 for his winds?"
CZQM: "Ok, 1147 and 167, I have a little too much to do for that
sort of thing right now. I'll leave it up to you guys to go over to
company frequency and pass winds."
(check the callsign of the answering aircraft)
CZQM: "Nova 895 contact Moncton on 127.12"
ARN871: "Over to 127.12, for Nova 871. We'll talk to you later."
CZQM: "Maybe sooner than you think."
(a few seconds pass...)
ARN871: "Uh, Moncton, they didn't want to talk to us on 127.12..."
CZQM: "See what I mean?"
Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling
overhead, identify yourself."
NY Ctr: "Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero,
expect lower in ten miles."
FedEx 235: "Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two
NY Ctr: "Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah..."
Delta 520: "Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty."
NY Ctr: "Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please."
Alitalia 16: "HEY! You makea funna Alitalia?!"
NY Ctr: "Oh, no! I make-a funna Delta anna FedEx!"
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR
Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: "GAF269, you are cleared to
destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000
feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000
feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to
intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation
GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination
Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet
thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet
or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to
intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation
and I need another pencil."
Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a
UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to
one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya."
Cont: (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots
now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110
Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic
now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of
this here C-130 is?"
Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."
Control: You're unreadable, say again.
Motor-glider: I've turned off the engine, is that better?
Control: (looong pause)
ATC: "Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions? "
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."
Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: oooohhh! You have traffic!
Controller: "Speedbird 12, are you a heading?"
Pilot: "We are always a heading."
Korean Air 1234 : "Prease say runway and blake situation".
Auckland Tower : "Previously landed Beech twin prop reported half an
inch of standing water on runway, no report on braking effectiveness
as brakes not required".
Korean Air 1234 : "Ehhh... Say again...".
Auckland Tower : "Previously landed aircraft says ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢‚Â¬Ã‚Â¦ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢‚Â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¦did
not need use brakes,ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢‚Â¬Ã‚Â¦ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢ââ€šÂ¬Ã‚Â¦.. ten to fifteen
millimeter deep water on runway".
Korean Air 1234 : "Ah ! Thank you !".
O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain
speed 250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019
Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"
Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on
Controller: "Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest
you turn to
the big W immediately ..."
Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME."
Approach: "Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'."
Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent rate."
Approach: "What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?"
Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours."
Tower: "...and for your information, you were slightly to the left
of the centerline on that approach."
Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to
A deer is on the runway... so...
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Student: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts
from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake
turbulence, departing deer.
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for
Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!"
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right
name you'd get a better response!"
Pilot: "Approach, Federated 303's with at 8000' for vectors ILS,
Approach: "Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service."
Pilot: "We'll take the VOR then."
Approach: "Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby."
Pilot: "OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then."
Approach: "303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation."
Pilot: "OK, approach. State my intentions."
Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement"
Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"
Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft,
and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".
Pilot with Southern drawl: London Approach, American 123 with yaÃƒÂ¢Ã¢‚Â¬Ã¢„Â¢ll
at seven thousand, with Information -- excuse the expression --
BB: "Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet."
Bay Approach: "Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude."
BB: "Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been
run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!"
Bay: "That's a good reason. 8300 approved."
Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi,
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport
Controller: "FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an
Airbus 330 or 340?"
Pilot: "A340 of course!"
Controller: "Then would you mind switching on the two other engines
and give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?"
Controller: "Air Force 53, it appears your engine has... oh...
disregard, I see you've already ejected."
Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots."
Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170
knots...But we are flexible."
Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots."
Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."
Pilot Trainee: "Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English
and lonely in the cockpit"
MÃƒÆ’Ã‚Â¼nchen II Tower: "LH 8610 cleared for take-off."
Pilot (LH 8610): "But we are not even landed."
Tower: Yes, who is then standing at 26 south ? "
Pilot (LH 8801): "LH 8801."
Tower: "OK, then you are cleared for take-off."
London Controller: "CBN438 you are cleared direct Dover VOR."
Pilot: "Roger, copy cleared direct Kosky VOR."
Controller: "Ok, cleared direct Kosky VOR."
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls
to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin
and continues to the taxiway.
Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole
Controller: "CRX600, are you on course to SUL?"
Pilot: "More or less."
Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."
Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and
push back, please."
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"
Pilot: "FLX 30, we just have a few gallons of fuel."
Tower: "Please give us your position, we dont see you at the radar!"
Pilot: "We are standing at runway 2 and want to know, when the fuel
truck will come!"
Works of Steven Wright
If you're not familiar
with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist
who once said: "I
woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen.. and
replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than we do, to our amazement and
Here are some of his gems:
1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we
12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be
18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made
your horn louder."
24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of
29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch
32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to
be on it.
33. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
16 THINGS THAT TOOK ME OVER 50
YEARS TO LEARN:
by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as
grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until
they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Cold is Relative!
Submitted by Robert Logan #2252
JOE " it's 30 below in Oregon
JIM " Well, it's 20 below in Maine
AL: " What's the difference between 30 below and 20 below?
JOE: " Your face freezes faster"
I am sending this to all of
our cold weather friends
Jim Holtsclaw #2738
60 Miami residents turn on the heat
50 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 You can see your breath Californians shiver uncontrollably Minnesotans
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Ohio water freezes Californians weep pitiably Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless New York City water
freezes Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don't start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don't start Eyes freeze shut when you blink Minnesotans
shovel snow off roof Japanese cars don't start
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo Arkansans stick
tongue on metal objects Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you Politicians actually do
something about the homeless
-25 Too cold to think You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath Swedish cars don't start
-40 Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button Canadians put
on sweaters Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Polar bears move South Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets!