For those who never saw any of the
Burma Shave signs, here is a quick
lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's.
Credits to Jim Holtsclaw #2735
When a man steal
your wife
Credits to Mike Zinkin #3551
OUR NAVY, THEN AND NOW
Jim Brown #3220
Then - If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.
Now - If you smoke, you get sent outside and treated like a leper.
Then - Mail took week s to come to the ship.
Now - Every time you get near land, there's a mob topside to see if
their cell phone works.
Then - If you left the ship it was in Blues or Whites, even in home
port.
Now - The only time you wear Blues or Whites is for ceremonies.
Then - You wore bellbottoms everywhere on the ship.
Now - Bellbottoms are gone and 14 year-old girls (or "funny boys")
wear them everywhere.
Then - You wore a Dixie cup all day, with every uniform.
Now - It's not required and you have a choice of different hats.
Then - If you said "damn," people knew you were annoyed and avoided
you.
Now - If you say "damn" you'd better be talking about a
hydro-electric plant.
Then -The Ships Office yeoman had a typewriter on his desk for doing
daily reports.
Now - Everyone has a computer with Internet access and they wonder
why no work is getting done.
Then - We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us
of home.
Now - We put the real thing in the cockpit.
Then - If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back
to the ship so you could sleep it off.
Now - If you get drunk off duty, they slap you in rehab and ruin
your career.
Then - Canteens were made out of steel and you could heat coffee or
hot chocolate in them.
Now - Canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat them because
they'll melt, and anything inside always tastes like plastic.
Then - Our top officers and chiefs were professional sailors first.
They commanded respect.
Now - Our top officers and chiefs are politicians first. They beg
not to be given a wedgie.
Then - They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
Now - They collect our pee and analyze it.
Then - If you didn't act right, they'd put you on extra duty until
you straightened up.
Now - If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows
you forever.
Then - Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of
their own.
Now - Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the
time.
Then - You slept in a barracks, like a soldier.
Now - You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid.
Then - You ate in a Galley. It was free and you could have all the
food you wanted.
Now - You eat in a Dining Facility. Every slice of bread or pat of
butter costs, and you can only have one.
Then - If you wanted to relax, you went to the Rec Center , played
pool, smoked and drank beer.
Now -You20go to the Community Center and can still play pool, maybe.
Then - If you wanted a quarter beer and conversation, you could go
to the EM or Officers' Club.
Now - The beer will cost you two dollars and someone is watching to
see how much you drink.
Then - The Exchange or Ship's Store had bargains for sailors who
didn't make much money.
Now - You can get better merchandise, and a whole lot cheaper at
Wal-Mart.
Then - If an Admiral wanted to make a presentation, he scribbled
down some notes and a YN spent an hour preparing a bunch of charts.
Now - The Admiral has his entire staff spending days preparing a
Power Point presentation.
Then - We called the enemy things like "Commie Bastards", "Reds" or
whatever is important at the time, because we didn't like them.
Now - We call the enemy things like "Opposing Forces" and
"Aggressors" so we won't offend them.
Then - We declared victory when the enemy was dead and all his
things were broken.
Now - We declare victory when the enemy says he is sorry and won't
do it again.
Then - A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his
people.
Now - A commander will put his people on the line to protect his
butt.
GOD BLESS AMERICA !
Have you noticed lately that only the Senior Citizens and Veterans
stand in honor of our FLAG? "The trouble with socialism is that you
eventually run out of other people's money"
Margarett Thatcher.
'If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be
a nation gone under.'
Ronald Reagan
HOW TO BE GRACIOUS
Credits to Charlie Newpol #2209
Jennifer's wedding day was fast
approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her
parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the
best-dressed mother- of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new
young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she
refused.
'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm
wearing it,' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special
day.'
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous
dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you
going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
occasion where you could wear it.
Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm
wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'
NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T
ENJOY THIS STORY?
My New Book About Golf......
Credits to Sid Wugalter #2953
Most of you are unaware that I have been very busy over the past two
years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf. I
am very proud of the results and in order to market the publication,
Iam asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy. Here is
the Table of Contents from my new book, 'Winning Golf Strategies',
which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider
information that I have gained through my own years of experience in
the game and observations of golfing partners.
Table of Contents:
Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist
from the Tee
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Marshall the Finger
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to Urinate Behind a 4' x 4' Post Undetected.
Chapter 10 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the
Water
Chapter 12 - Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th.
Chapter 13 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome
Chapter 14 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
Chapter 15 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your
Opponent
Chapter 16 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Chapter 17 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever
Chapter 18 - Use a Strong Grip on the Hand Wedge and a Weak Slip on
the Foot Wedge.
Chapter 19 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer From The pretty
Cart Girl and give Her a $3 Tip, but Will Balk at $3.50 at the 19th
Hole and Stiff the Bartender.......
I hope you will buy a copy of my new book.
Purina dog Chow diet!
Credits to Charlie Newpol #2209
Yesterday I was at my local Target
buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the
Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked
if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going
to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now
enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. Target won't let me shop there anymore.
Pistons vs. turbines
Credits to Cle Cox #3536
For all of you more senior pilots out there. This
bit of prose is designed to rekindle those fond memories of the
throaty roar made by powerful pistons arranged in a circle, spinning
a variably pitched propeller. I have always found that sound not
only comforting, but easier on my ears than the screaming whine from
a turbine, and the producers of that powerful roar never smell like
a kerosene lantern.
REMEMBER: S2F's, P2V's, P5M's, UF's, R4D's, R6D's? RB50's, T-28's,
AD-1's.
DEDICATED TO ALL THOSE WHO FLEW BEHIND/BETWEEN ROUND ENGINES
We gotta get rid of those turbines, they're ruining aviation and our
hearing...
A turbine is too simple minded, it has no mystery. The air travels
through it in a straight line and doesn't pick up any of the pungent
fragrance of engine oil or pilot sweat.
Anybody can start a turbine. You just need to move a switch from
"OFF" to "START" and then remember to move it back to "ON" after a
while. My PC is harder to start.
Cranking a round engine requires skill, finesse and style. You have
to seduce it into starting. It's like waking up a horny mistress. On
some planes, the pilots aren't even allowed to do it....
Turbines start by whining for a while, then give a lady-like poof
and start whining a little louder.
Round engines give a satisfying rattle-rattle, click-click, BANG,
more rattles, another BANG, a big macho FART or two, more clicks, a
lot more smoke and finally a serious low pitched roar. We like that.
It's a GUY thing...
When you start a round engine, your mind is engaged and you can
concentrate on the flight ahead Starting a turbine is like flicking
on a ceiling fan: Useful, but, hardly exciting.
When you have started his round engine successfully your Crew Chief
looks up at you like he'd let you kiss his girl, too!
Turbines don't break or catch fire often enough, which leads to
aircrew boredom, complacency and inattention. A round engine at
speed looks and sounds like it's going to blow any minute. This
helps concentrate the mind!
Turbines don't have enough control levers or gauges to keep a
pilot's attention. There's nothing to fiddle with during long
flights.
Turbines smell like a Boy Scout camp full of Coleman Lamps. Round
engines smell like God intended machines to smell.
Jokes that can be told in
Church
John Hardy #3711
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little
girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and
today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this
for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as
she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she
prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please
don't let me be late!' While she was running and praying, she
tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing
her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running
again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please
don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The
first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's
nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it
a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both
beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it
a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married , she
requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for
her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I
was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if
you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took
Jesus with them to Jerusalem .. A small child replied, 'They
couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor
thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that
teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a
beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when
they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later
in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,
and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded,
'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think
about all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know
how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because
you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need
a laugh. I thought you would enjoy this....times are tough right
now...for all of us...so we need something to make the day a happy
place. "They" haven't found a way to tax you for laughing yet.
Life Explained
John Hardy #3711
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes
in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty
years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and
said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this,
I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog
did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into
the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,
have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this,
I will give you a life span of sixty years. The cow said:
'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play,
marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and
enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on
the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
What It Means To Be Irish
Sid Wugalter #2953
1) You will never play
professional basketball.
2) You swear very well.
3) At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner,
funeral home owner or holds political office. And you have at least
one aunt who is a nun, or uncle who's a priest.
4) You think you sing very well.
5) You have no idea how to make a long story short!
6) Much of your childhood meals were boiled. Instant potatoes were a
mortal sin.
7) You have never hit your head on a ceiling.
8) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer
(catholic guilt forever!).
9) You're strangely poetic after a few beers.
10) You are, therefore, poetic a lot.
11) You will be punched for no good reason....
12) Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past
generations.
13) Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or
Eileen.
14) Someone in your family is very generous. It is more than likely
you.
15) You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from
singing.
16) You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you
start talking.
17) You're not nearly as funny as you think you are, but what you
lack in talent, you make up for in frequency.
18) There wasn't a huge difference between your last Wake and your
last keg party.
19) You are, or know someone, named Murph. If you don't know Murph
then you know Mac.
If you don't know Murph or Mac then you know Sully .
20) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.
21) You have Irish Alzheimer's... you forget everything but the
grudges!
22) 'Irish Stew' is a euphemism for 'boiled leftovers.'
23) Your skin's ability to tan -- not so much.
24) At this very moment, you have at least two relatives who are not
speaking to each other(not fighting, mind you, just not speaking to
each other).
25) Childhood remedies for the common cold often included whiskey.
26) There's no leaving a family party without saying goodbye for at
least 45 minutes.
TOOLS!!
Credits to Dick Reynolds #3563
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright
machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of
your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time
it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too
short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round
off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used
to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a
bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to
launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the
jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the
line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals
under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable
screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent
part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in
use.
DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across
the garage while yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is
also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Oil Change
Credits to Jim Brown #3220
Oil change instructions for WOMEN
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the
mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle .
Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a
check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive
home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil 20 into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan ..
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess
skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
And then the fight started......
Credits to John Hardy #3711
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was
flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- ---------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- ---------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
----------- --------- ---------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
cold cream.
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- ---------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told
her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
------------ --------- ---------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at
3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman,
bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap.
That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared
and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground,
ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back,
'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- ---------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
I remember all of these! Do you? Yeah....those
were the good 'ol days! Lots of good memories!
Credits to Stu Hayter #3419
Someone asked the other day, What was your favorite
fast food when you were growing up? We didn't have fast food when I
was growing up, I informed him. All the food was slow. C'mon,
seriously. Where did you eat? It was a place called at home, I
explained. Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we
sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like
what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like
it.
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going
to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part
about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here
are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I
figured his system could have handled it:
1. Some parents NEVER! Owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot
on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
In their later years they had something called a revolving charge
card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears
& Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
2. My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly
because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed
probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a
television in our house until I was 5. It was, of course, black and
white.
3. I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza
pie.' When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the
cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and
burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
4. We didn't have a car until I was 4. It was an old black Dodge.
5. I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house
was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could
dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know
weren't already using the line.
6. Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was
7. All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered
newspapers my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It
cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get
up at 6AM.
8. Every morning. On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from
his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50
cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers
were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
9. Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in
the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called
French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what
they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't
allowed to see them.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may
want to share some of these memories with your children or
grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December)
and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top
was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what
it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to
make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat
on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because
we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
1. Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
2. Ignition switches on the dashboard.
3. Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
4. Real ice boxes.
5. Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
6. Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
7. Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told
about.
Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum.
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water.
3. Candy cigarettes.
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes.
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers.
7. Party lines.
8. Newsreels before the movie.
9. P.F. Flyers.
10. Butch wax.
11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and
were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were
only 3 channels).
12. Peashooters.
13. Howdy Doody.
14. 45 RP M records.
15. S&H greenstamps.
16. Hi-fi's.
17. Metal ice trays with lever.
18. Mimeograph paper.
19. Blue flashbulb.
20. Packards.
21. Roller skate keys.
22. Cork popguns.
23. Drive-ins.
24. Studebakers.
25. Wash tub wringers.
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part
of my life.
Rye Bread
Credits to Jim Holweger #3545
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were
sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had
just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The
80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he
did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat
rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have
great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80 year old
stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he
needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said
"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"He said, "I
want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves…by the time you get
to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe it,
everybody in the world knows about this shit but me!"
AVIATION QUOTES
www.airminded.net
Sid Wugalter.
1. There is no problem so complex
that it cannot simply be blamed on the pilot. - Dr Earl Weiner
2. To invent an airplane is nothing. To build one is something. To
fly is everything. - Otto Lilienthal
3. Safety second is my motto. - Locklear
4. Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.
5. The man who flies an airplane ... must believe in the unseen. -
Richard Bach
6. There is no excuse for an airplane unless it will fly fast! -
Roscoe Turner
7. The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
- Douglas Adams
8. Aviation is proof, that given the will, we have the capacity to
achieve the impossible. -Rickenbacker
9. Flying is like sex - I've never had all I wanted but occasionally
I've had all I could stand. - Stephen Coonts
10. The desire for safety stands against every great and noble
enterprise. - Cornelius Tactitus (circa AD 56)
11. Aviation in itself is not inherently dangerous. But to an even
greater degree than the sea, it is terribly unforgiving of any
carelessness, incapacity or neglect.
12. Lady, you want me to answer you if this old airplane is safe to
fly? Just how in the world do you think it got to be this old? - Jim
Tavenner
13. If you are looking for perfect safety, you will do well to sit
on
a fence and watch the birds; but if you really wish to learn, you
must
mount a machine and become acquainted with its tricks by actual
trial. - Wilbur Wright, 1901.
14. The highest art form of all is a human being in control of
himself and his airplane in flight, urging the spirit of a machine
to match his own. – Richard Bach, 'A Gift Of Wings'
15. The greatest danger in flying is starving to death. - Earl C.
Reed of the T-L-R Flying Circus
16. When the weight of the paper equals the weight of the airplane,
only then you can go flying. - Donald Douglas
17. In flying I have learned that carelessness and overconfidence
are usually far more dangerous than deliberately accepted risks. -
Wilbur Wright, September 1900.
18. I fly because it releases my mind from the tyranny of petty
things. - Antoine de St-Exupéry
19, Any damned fool can criticize, but it takes a genius to design
it in the first place. - Edgar Schmued
20. When asked by someone how much money flying takes: Why, all of
it! - Gordon Baxter
21. The important thing in aeroplanes is that they shall be speedy.
- Baron Manfred Von Richthofen
22. The aeroplane will never fly. - Lord Haldane, Minister of War,
Britain, 1907
23. What freedom lies in flying, what Godlike power it gives to men
. . . I lose all consciousness in this strong unmortal space crowded
with beauty, pierced with danger. - Charles A. Lindbergh
24. It is hard enough for anyone to map out a course of action and
stick to it, particularly in the face of the desires of one's
friends; but it is doubly hard for an aviator to stay on the ground
waiting for just the right moment to go into the air. - Glenn
Curtiss, 1909.
25. To put your life in danger from time to time... breeds a
saneness in dealing with day-to-day trivialities. - Nevil Shute
26. Aviation records don't fall until someone is willing to mortgage
the present for the future. - Amelia Earhart
27. Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why
bulldozers & helicopters -- in that order -- need two. - Paul
Slattery
28. Airplanes are near perfect, all they lack is the ability to
forgive. - Richard Collins
29. The exhilaration of flying is too keen, the pleasure too great,
for it to be neglected as a sport. - Orville Wright
30. The Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you. - Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot
31. The bulk of mankind is as well equipped for flying as thinking.
- Jonathon Swift
Subject: ATC Chatter
Bob Kelm #3491
British Airways flight asks for
push back clearance from terminal.
Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced
airline going today without filing a flight plan?'
-----------------------
ATC: 'Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango
check for workers along taxiway.'
Ali 345: 'Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are
working'
-----------------------
ARN851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for
10,000, requesting runway 15.'
Halifax Terminal (female): 'Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a
pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect
runway 06.'
-----------------------
Lost student pilot: 'Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling
overhead, identify yourself.'
--------------------------
Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR
------------------------
Control: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a
UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'
Pilot: 'Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to
one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'
Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90
knots now11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110
knots.'
Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110
knots'
Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic
now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'
Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of
this here C-130 is?'
Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell
you.'
--------------------------
ATC: 'Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions? '
Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.'
ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'
--------------------------
Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: oh, oh shit! You have traffic!
---------------------
O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain
250 knots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that
speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
----------------------
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019
------------------------
Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'
Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center'
-------------------------
Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the
big E.'
Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on
radar.'
(short pause)...
Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest
you turn to the big W immediately .'
-----------------------------
Tower: '...and for your information, you were slightly to the left
of the centerline on that approach.'
Speedbird: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to
the right'
-----------------------
Controller: 'USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)
Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'
Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right
name you'd get a better response!'
-----------------------
BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'
Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'
BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been
run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'
Bay: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'
------------------------------------
Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an
Airbus 330 or 340?'
Pilot: 'A340 of course!'
Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines
and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'
---------------------------
Tower: 'Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.'
Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'
----------------------------
Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and
push back, please.'
Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'
Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'
Tower: 'Affirmative.'
Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'
Zen to Live By.......
Dick Reynolds #3563
1. Do not walk behind me, for I
may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not
walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or
a leaky tire.
3. Its always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed...... skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.
13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side, a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
17. There are two theories to arguing with a woman - Neither one
works.
18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving..
19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative at the same time.
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