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Humor from Our Members |
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COLLECTION OF HUMOR FROM THE INTERNET To all members: Most of what you will find on this page is not aviation humor but much of it relates to our ages, our infirmities and our hobbies. If you see something on the Internet that you find clever or something that may give us all a chance to smile, send it to us and we’ll put it on this page. Below are some starters. Jim
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You Might be a redneck if: Credits to Dick Reynolds #3563 We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God..' You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places. You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.' You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays. You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have. You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to. You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening. You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same. You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend. Tools and Their Uses - A Great Comprehensive Shop Guide Credits to Sid Wugalter #2953 DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh-!' SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. SON-OF-A-B#TCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B#TCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. Great Truths About Life that Adults Have Learned Credits to Jim Holtsclaw #2738 Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
(I Love this child)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it.
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
your brother's.. Did you copy his? (I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
Lesson for the day...... Credits to Charlie Newpol #3161 PARAPROSDOKIANS I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian. Ok, so now enjoy! 1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. 3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks. 12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.' 13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. 17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 22. You're never too old to learn something stupid. 23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip. 28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were. 29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. 30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. This an item that I saw this in our local newspaper that might well fit into the humor section of the website (Click here). As soon as I saw this my mind flashed to Walt and his trip. Credits to Jim Brown #3220 Credits to Sid Wugalter #2953 You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where... 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You've experienced condensation on your heiny from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. 4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. 6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME? OR You can retire to California where... 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 3. You know how to eat an artichoke. 4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. 6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought. OR You can retire to New York City where... 1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 3. You think Central Park is "nature. 4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car). 6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression. OR You can retire to Minnesota where. 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .. 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 3. You have more than one recipe for casserole. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. OR You can retire to the Deep South where.. 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. 3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense. 4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen , Billie Jean, Mary Beth, etc. 5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too. OR You can retire to Colorado where... 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. OR You can retire to the Midwest where... 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!" OR FINALLY, You can retire to Florida where. 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars. 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent plastic surgeon. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people
GRANDCHILDREN say the funniest things......
1.
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the
watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many
times before. After she applied her lipstick and started
to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss
the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put
lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet
paper good-bye....
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?" 4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" 5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied. 6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read." 7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!" 8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." 9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." 10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'." 11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child." 12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants." 13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport." 14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him! 15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog. |
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Society of Airway Pioneers |
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