Us In A Few Years
Credits: Charlie Newpol #2209
A couple in their
nineties are both
having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor
tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to
start writing things down to help them remember ..
that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
'No, I can remember it.'
I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it
down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember
that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it
down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped
cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the
kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the
kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at
the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
An elderly couple
had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives
left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were
talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant
and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What
is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally
said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He
then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name
of that restaurant we went to last night?'
require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while
working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already
dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he
reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator..
On the way down I asked
him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs
in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A senior citizen
said to his eighty-year old buddy:
hear you're getting married?'
'Do I know her?'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't
cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good
'Why in the
world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the
doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young
woman on his arm.
couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said,
Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
One more. . ...!
A little old
manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself
slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he
ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied,
the Famous Erudite
Credits: Bob Ervin #3517
If you're not
familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite
(comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of
my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of us do...
some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a
Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't
expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all
statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what
hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear
conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want
the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who
believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may
get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost
had a psychic girlfriend...but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're
out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well,
you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is
merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming
your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor
excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work
pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to
live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular,
why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but
weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if
you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I
couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first
you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A
conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to
steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool
is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind,
the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray
table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
God Really Does Have
a Sense of Humor
Sid Wugalter #2953
A woman received a
call that her daughter was sick.
She stopped by the pharmacy to
get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked
her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left
on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use
She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded man
who was wearing an old biker skull rag. The man got off of his cycle
and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick.
I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use
this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said "Sure." He walked over to
the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very
The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just
got out of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."
woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God! You even
sent me a Professional!"
Charlie Newpol #2209
I changed my i Pod
name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
I tried to catch some Fog. I
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German
sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's
addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see
where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
This girl said she
recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down.
did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words .
They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.
dyslexic man walks into a bra .
PMS jokes aren't funny, period .
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my
beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed
teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a
clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with a
extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank,
but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been
stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery
because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in
home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to
think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your
dentist. He has fillings, too.
Sorry, someone sent them to me
so I sent them to you!
WHY MEN ARE
Charlie Newpol #2209
Men Are Just Happier People --
do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of
Chocolate is just another snack..
You can never
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive
to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
Same work, more pay..
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000.. Tux rental-$100..
People never stare at
your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut,
blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the
slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is
$8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than
You almost never have strap problems in public.
are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your
face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for
years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one
pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts
no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On
December 24 in 25 minutes.
• If Laura, Kate and
Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and
• If Mike, Dave and Chuck go out, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and Chuck will each throw in
$20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have
anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators..
• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
• A man has six items in his bathroom:
toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and
• The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20
of these items.
• A woman has the last word in
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning
of a new argument.
• A woman worries about the
future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the
future until he gets a wife.
• A woman marries a
man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a
woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the trash,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.
• Ah, children. A
woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some
short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing!
****** 23 ADULT
Credits to Dan Schillaci #3732
1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch
3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
4. There is
great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the
hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
learning cursive really necessary?
Quest really needs to start their directions on #5 . I'm pretty sure
I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
9. I can't
remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
decisions make good stories.
never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive
for the rest of the day.
12. Can we
all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want
to have to restart my collection...again.
always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if
I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I
swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep
some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer
when they call.
15. I think
the freezer deserves a light as well.
disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish
Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have
a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love
the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to
prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and
you can wear them forever.
under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button
from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time,
first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and
the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years
for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Heard on the Tower Frequency
Credits to Jess Dillon #3827
Heard on the tower frequency at an
airport that will remain undisclosed to protect the innocent:
Cessna 12345: "Tower can you have
regional jet ABC meet us on Unicom frequency for a personal
Jet ABC: "Tower, tell the Cessna we are a
professional crew on a schedule and we don't have time for idle chit
Cessna 12345: "O.K. Tower, you may want to tell
that professional crew they left the landing-gear lock pin in the
nose gear. Have a nice day!"
RETIREE HEALTH MESSAGE
Credits to Warren Lichtenberg #3161
As I was lying in bed pondering the
problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a
rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me!
1. If walking is
good for your health, the postman would be
whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't
think so. I'm retired. Go around me.
God grant me the ability to forget the
people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've
1. I started out with nothing, and I
still have most of it.
2 My wild oats have turned into prunes
3. I finally got my head together, and now my
body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being
5. Funny, I don't remember being
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish
the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in
the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't
13. The only time the world beats a path to
your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted
me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave
is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking
about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then
wonder what I'm here after.
19. Funny, I don't remember being
"The New" AVIATION DICTIONARY
Credits to Dick Reynolds #3563
Airspeed: Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when
listening to a Navy pilot.
Bank: The folks who
hold the lien on most pilots’ cars.
Cone of Confusion:
An area about the size of New Jersey, located near the final
approach beacon at an airport.
squadron Ops Officer.
Dead Reckoning: You reckon
correctly, or you are.
Engine Failure: A
condition which occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become
filled with air.
Firewall: Section of the
aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit.
Glide Distance: Half the distance from the airplane
to the nearest emergency landing field.
An airplane designed to land on a 20,000 foot long wet runway.
IFR: A method of flying by needle and ripcord.
Lean Mixture: Nonalcoholic beer
Nanosecond: Time delay built into the stall warning system.
Parasitic Drag: A pilot who bums a ride and
complains about the service.
about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.
Rich Mixture: What you order at the other guy’s
Roger: Used when you’re not
sure what else to say.
Service Ceiling: Altitude
at which cabin crews can serve drinks.
The Federal Aviation Administration.
Technique used to explain to the bank why you car payment is late.
Life isn't the way it's
supposed to be. It's the way it is. It's how you cope with it that
makes the difference.
- Virginia Satir