Communications
Credits to Cle Cox #3536
Short Final
All Segments: Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"
Overheard on Pittsburgh (KPIT) Ground working
Hooters Air, better known by callsign “Pace,” and a Delta airliner:
Pittsburgh Ground: Delta Eleven Twenty, follow Hooters off
your left to Runway Two-Eight Right.
Delta Eleven Twenty: (in a slow southern drawl) Well, I’ve
been doin’ that all my life, and it’s only got me in trouble with
the wife.
Overheard while flying between Athens, Ga. and
Charleston, S.C.:
Bizjet 123: Approach we just flew through the localizer. Can
you vector us around for another attempt — early turn in?
Augusta Approach: Sorry about that. I was on the land line
coordinating with Center and the guy just kept talking and talking
and talking. I couldn’t get him off the phone.
Bizjet 123: Yeah, I understand. Sometimes I can’t get my wife
off the phone, either.
Approach: Well, she must be working at Atlanta Center then.
Overheard in Southern Florida:
Fort Myers Approach: Cessna Three Four Alpha, say heading.
Cessna: Ah, we're headin' for Tampa.
Fort Myers Approach: Cessna Three Four Alpha, say heading.
Cessna: Well, okay, we're headin' for the LaBelle VOR first
and then going on to Tampa.
Fort Myers Approach: Cessna Three Four Alpha, could you look
at your compass and tell me what number is behind the little line?
Cessna: Oh...you want to know which way we're going right
now. Three five zero, sir.
This comes from a search and rescue pilot at
Canadian Forces Base in Bagotville, Quebec. It happened late one
night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:
Helicopter pilot: Roger, I'm holding at 3,000 feet over the
beacon.
Second voice: (Panic in voice) No, you can't be doing
that..I'm holding at 3,000 feet over that beacon.
Helicopter pilot: (Short pause) You idiot, you're my copilot.
Overheard while flying practice approaches at
Sioux City, Iowa:
Tower: "Skylane Eight Seven Charlie, cleared for the
approach; caution, waterfall in the area."
Short silence, presumably while the Skylane pilot questioned
passengers on the transmission.
Skylane: "Eight Seven Charlie, say again?"
Tower: "Skylane Eight Seven Charlie, cleared for the
approach; caution, waterfall in the area."
Again, short silence.
Skylane: "Ah, cleared for the approach, but what do you mean
by the waterfall caution?"
Tower: "Waterfall, you know: Ducks and geese...Waterfowl."
Seeing is believing... Overheard while in the
pattern at FNT:
Tower: N12345 traffic at your one o'clock.
N12345: Looking for traffic.
[long pause...]
Tower: N12345 traffic now ... your traffic at three o'clock.
N12345: Still looking. I only see birds over there.
Tower: Well, look close. One of them has a transponder in it.
May 22, 2006 -- There's a club for that,
too...
An exchange overheard between
an Australian charter company and ATC. The company was in mid-April
flying a DC-3 carrying a wedding party at 2000 feet over Sydney
harbour while the nuptials took place. The flight's pilot made sure
ATC was aware and ready to coordinate a return to the airport...
DC-3: ...and, Sydney, we'll soon be finished with the
ceremony and looking for a higher altitude for the return.
[soon after]
DC-3: ...So that's it. He does, she does, and that much is
done.
ATC: Very well.
[pause]
You're cleared for the return at 5280 feet. (Laughing) And tell them
to make it snappy.
May 1, 2006 -- Oh, the years gone by...
Many years ago when I was a
student pilot flying a C-120, (if you can remember when flight
schools used C-120s, you may be older than I am), I groundlooped in
front of the tower at BFI. Here's the exchange, as I remember it:
Tower: Cessna triple 7, are you experiencing difficulties?
Me: No. (pause) ...not now that I've got the sonofa****
stopped.
Tower: [Through laughter] Triple seven, taxi to the ramp.
Overheard while being vectored
to the ILS 10 at KMSY the other day:
Approach: Jet 123, maintain 9,000.
Jet 123: Um, ok, we're gonna go through it.
Approach: That's ok, climb and maintain 10,000.
Jet 123: Uh, we're on our way back down to 9,000, now.
Approach: Well, 10 is available, you're welcome to climb and
maintain 10,000.
Jet 123: Why are you doing this to us?
Approach: Well, I'm trying to separate you from traffic
behind you, if that's OK.
Jet 123: That's fine, but we just zero-g'd an aircraft with a
US Senator aboard. We'd rather not squash him, now.
[pause]
Approach: If I'd known that, I'd have sent you back down to
5,000 first.
While doing some work, heard
the following exchange on Kennedy Tower freq:
Twr: Cactus 51, turn right zulu and golf, hold behind the
plane that's stopped to recycle.
Cactus 51: Cactus 51 we'll make the right zulu and golf,
behind the recycled airplane ... whatever that means.
Trw: C'mon Cactus, you guys should know what that means, you
fly Airbus' -- it's when the screens go blank and you have to
restart them all.
Cactus 51: Oh, yeah, we know about that. We just thought it
was 'cause we were out of quarters.
Short runway, shorter fuse, and usually
carrying less animated cargo...
Tower: Understand you're without cargo today. If you're
light, cleared for runway 6.
N1234: All I have on board is my wife ... and she's heavy,
but not THAT heavy.
(pause)
Tower: Roger N1234, and she's flying with you, now?
N1234: Yep, she's got her headset on and is punching the heck
out of me. Cleared to land runway 6, N1234.
Tower: Copy all. ...We'll roll the trucks.
Funny Sayings by Anonymous
Can you cry under water?
And for that matter, do fish sweat?
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How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
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Why do you have to 'put your two cents in... but it's only a 'penny
for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?
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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
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What disease did cured ham actually have?
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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
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Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake
up, like, every two hours?
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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see
you naked anyway.
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Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song
about him?
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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!
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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?
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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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Someone please explain to me why there is Braille on the drive-thru
ATM??????
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Do the Alphabet song, Bah Bah Black Sheep and Twinkle, Twinkle
Little Star have the same tune?
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Why did you just try singing the songs above?
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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,
but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
PILOT TALK
Credits to Cle Cox #3536
AIRSPEED - Speed of an airplane. (Deduct
25% when listening to a retired fighter pilot.)
BANK - The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' cars.
CARBURETOR ICING - A phenomenon reported to the FAA by pilots
immediately after they run out of gas.
CONE OF CONFUSION - An area about the size of New Jersey located
near the final approach beacon at an airport.
CRAB - A VFR Instructor's attitude on an IFR day.
DEAD RECKONING - You reckon correctly, or you are.
DESTINATION - Geographical location 30 minutes beyond the pilot's
bladder saturation point.
ENGINE FAILURE - A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks
mysteriously become filled with low-octane air.
FIREWALL - Section of the aircraft specifically designed to funnel
heat and smoke into the cockpit.
FLIGHT FOLLOWING - Formation flying.
GLIDE DISTANCE - Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest
emergency landing field.
HOBBS - An instrument which creates an emergency situation should it
fail during dual instruction.
HYDROPLANE - An airplane designed to land long on a short and wet
runway.
IFR - A method of flying by needle and horoscope.
LEAN MIXTURE - Nonalcoholic beer.
MINI MAG LITE - Device designed to support the AA battery industry.
NANOSECOND - Time delay between the Low Fuel Warning light and the
onset of carburetor icing.
PARACHUTES - The two chutes in a Stearman
PARASITIC DRAG - A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the
service.
RANGE - Usually about 3 miles short of the destination.
RICH MIXTURE - What you order at another pilot's promotion party.
ROGER - Used when you're not sure what else to say.
SECTIONAL CHART - Any chart that ends 25 NM short of your
destination.
SERVICE CEILING - Altitude at which cabin crew can serve drinks.
SPOILERS - FAA Inspectors.
STALL - Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment
is late.
STEEP BANKS - Banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest.
TURN & BANK INDICATOR - An instrument largely ignored by pilots.
USEFUL LOAD - Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, disregarding
weight.
VOR - Radio navigation aid, named after the VORtex effect on pilots
trying to home in on it.
WAC CHART - Directions to the Army female barracks.
YANKEE - Any pilot who has to ask New Orleans tower to "Say again".
Credits to Stu Hayter #3419
"AAADD"
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming
MILITARY RULES
BY SERVICE
Credits to Bill Maloney #3570
Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you
meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not
start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap.
Life is expensive. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your
friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you
lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber,
stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your
intention to shoot.
Navy SEAL's Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LT's; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point
presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry
executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them
operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but
close enough to have tax exemption.
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
Credits to Charlie Newpol #2209
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed
with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
(Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't
you?)
No word in the English language rhymes with
month, orange, silver, or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
(Are you doubting
this?)
Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over
the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
(Now, you KNOW
you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are
the same whether they are read left to right or right to left
(palindromes).
(Yep, I knew you were
going to "do" this one.)
There are only four words in the English
language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous,
and hazardous.
(You're not doubting
this, are you?)
There are two words in the English language
that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
(Yes, admit it, you are going to say . a e i o u)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be
made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
(All you typists
are going to test this out)
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
(Some days that's
about what my memory span is)
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with
both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
(I know some
people that could do this too.)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps They don't
appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded
history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have
been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8
abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of
reproduction.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of
dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the
typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches
for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher
walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Good thing he
did that)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara
Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the
world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room
during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Now you know everything!
The Navy's answer to 'Why did
the Chicken Cross the Road?'
Courtesy Cle Cox #3536
Naval Education and Training Command (NAVEDTRA)
The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing
procedures. Road crossing should be performed only between the hours
of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles
of visibility and a safety observer.
Bureau of Naval Personnel (BUPERS)
Due to the needs of the Navy, chicken was involuntarily reassigned
to the other side of the road. This will be 3-year unaccompanied
tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment
afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road crossing
during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for
future promotion.
Naval Air Warfare Center (NAWC)
This event will need confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied
chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions to confirm
whether it can actually happen within the parameters specified for
chickens and the remote possibility that they might cross thruways
designated by some as "roads."
Commander-in-Chief, U.S. Naval Forces, Europe (CINCUSNAVEUR)
The purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken
remained under the OPCON of COMSIXTHFLEET and did not CHOP to the
theater on the other side of the road. Without Chopping, the chicken
was able to achieve a seamless road crossing with near perfect,
real-time in-transit visibility.
Naval Air Systems Command (NAVAIRSYSCOM)
The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road
incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing
Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to
read back all hold short instructions. Finding-CHICKEN ERROR.
Space and Naval Warfare Systems Command (SPAWARSYSCOM)
The "stovepipe" chickens of today will be replaced with a
multi-function, supported, affordable, integrated and interoperable
world-class chicken to warriors and supporting elements, enabling
them to dominate the roads of today and tomorrow, as we move
forward...From the Sea." Comptroller holds and corporate taxes,
however, will require delay fielding for two years, unless
Congressional plus-ups are approved.
NAVSEASYSCOM's Chicken Systems Program Office (PMS400CSPO)
In a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by
rethinking its physical distribution Strategy and Implementation
processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) CSPO helped the
chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and
experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology
in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management
framework. The CSPO convened a diverse cross of retired chickens
along with MITRE consultants with deep skills in the transportation
industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to
leverage their personal knowledge and capital, both tacit and
explicit, and to enable them to synergies with each other in order
to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully
architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework
across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting
was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impacting
environment which was strategically based, mission-focused, and
built upon a consistent, clear, and unified Mission Need Statement
and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.
This was conducive towards the creation of a total business
integration solution. The CSPO helped the chicken change to continue
meeting its mission. However, the actual crossing of the road has
not occurred due to the number of action items still open from the
meeting.
Naval Intelligence
What chicken?
THEY WALK AMONG US !
Credits to Jim Holtsclaw #2738
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang
up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back
$46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a
mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became
indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was
doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back
again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already
buy-one-get-one-free', she said, 'so I guess they're both free' She
Handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of
them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky
and said, 'Where?'
...............They Walk Among Us!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week. He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?'
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'
..............They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
...............They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a soda run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
...............They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'has your plane arrived yet?'
...............They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he
would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some
time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think
I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'
...............Yep, They Walk Among Us!
WALMART through the ages:
Credit to Cle Cox #3536
You're in the middle of some kind of project around
the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the
living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or
paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit,
shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who
knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you
realize you need to run to Walmart to get something to help complete
the job.. Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow
dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite
cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick
while standing in the check out lane. You went to school with the
pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and
shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much
else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the
mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover
the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to
someone you went to school with.
In your 40's: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is
long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on
different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute
Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a
trip to Walmart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in
than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your
daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt
off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want
to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and
you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look
fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming
and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have
on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms".
In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you
were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs
out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be
cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Walmart until
they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog
crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you
because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember that you needed to go to Walmart. Go to Walmart and
wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. The
old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.
In your 90's: Stop what you are doing.
Grandparent humor...
Credits to Charlie Newpol #2209
Even if you are not a grandparent, you can appreciate these
stories:
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup,
under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done
many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to
leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the
toilet paper good-bye!"
*********************************************************************
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He
asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62."
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?
*********************************************************************
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
old slacks and a droopy blous e and proceeded to wash her hair. As
she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her
patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and
stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern
warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say
with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
*********************************************************************
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a
swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We
rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little
girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish
I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
*********************************************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I
asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
*********************************************************************
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?"
he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
*********************************************************************
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color
it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was
fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying
sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these
yourself!"
********************************************************************
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before
I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are
coming after us with flashlights."
*********************************************************************
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm
not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says
I'm four to six."
*********************************************************************
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We l earned how to make babies today." The
grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's
simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"
********************************************************************
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said
a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what
pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently.
"It means carrying a child."
********************************************************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front
seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back,"
said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A
third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs",
she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
|
Supplementary Definitions
Credits to Charlie Newpol #2209
READ SLOWLY--IT MAY TAKE A WHILE
FOR THE LIGHT TO SHINE
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when h is bag was full of money.
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.
12. PARADOX: Two physicians.
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the Spring.
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
This is a test for us,
old kids!
The answers are printed below, but don't
you cheat.
Credits to John Hardy #3711
01. After the Lone Ranger saved
the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would
ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I
don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave
behind?________________.
02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all
watched them on The _______________ Show.
03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."
04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been
changed___________________."
05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."
06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced"
under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance
called the "_____________."
07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best.......
_______________."
08. Satchmo was America 's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents
shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was
_________________.
09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.
10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and
Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and
"________ ________".
11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning
their______________.
12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in
the front was called the VW ... What other names did it go by?
____________ & _______________.
13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the
music died."This was a tribute to ___________________.
14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The
Russians did it. It was called ___________________.
15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large
plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the
________________. !
ANSWERS:
01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader,and "Good Night,and may God Bless."
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop
Words of Wisdom?
Thanks to Dick Reynolds #3563
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do
not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me
either.. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
of car payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you
have their shoes!
8. If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
14. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
15. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.
16. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
18. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
19. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative at the same time.
Ten Best Caddy Comments!
Sid Wugalter #2953
#10--Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in
the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
# 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to
break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is
improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
# 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with
a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy
in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a
coincidence. "
# 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch
all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play
on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've
ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
And the # 1 Best Caddy Comment...
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir
Overheard on Chicago Center
at 4 a.m.,
with a female controller working a frequency with almost no traffic.
Roger Osgood #3555
Cessna 3AB: Cessna Three Alpha Bravo, radio
check.
Chicago Center: You’re loud and clear Three Alpha Bravo.
Cessna 3AB: Not too busy this morning?
Center: It’s not even four o’clock. Doesn’t pick up for another
hour.
Cessna 3AB: [two minutes later] Chicago Center, Cessna Three Alpha
Bravo, request direct O’Hare.
Center: Three Alpha Bravo, how about world peace?
Cessna 3AB: Worth a try.
Joy of Being Over 60
Charlie Newpol #2209
Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find young,
sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the
basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every
time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term
memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they
enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these." |
More One Liners
Credits to Bill Maloney #3570
1) When I die, I want to die like my
grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like
all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin"
and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to
find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that
study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be
eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida , but they turned
sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest
to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn
slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
same."
--Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress.. But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Afghanistan "
--A. Whitney Brown
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've
thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease"
was taken.
-- Unknown, presumed deceased
20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have
another beer."
- W. C. Fields
One Liners
Author unknown
I wondered why the baseball was
getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting
a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take a debate class.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number
on it.
The professor discovered that her theory on earthquakes was on shaky
ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway
For Die Hard Golfers...
Credits to Sig Wugalter #2953
Golf can best be defined as an
endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle,
followed by a good bottle of beer .
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the
ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the
winner buys the drinks .
"Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul
balls.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even
during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot
rarely make a perfect shot.
The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase
"maul it again."
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers
.... neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is t hat no matter how badly you
play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and
shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green The next day
you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you
might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't
work, and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
ZEN-LIKE THOUGHTS TO HELP YOU
LAUNCH THE NEW YEAR
Credits to Charlie Newpol #2209
1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.
2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE NIGHT.
3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.
5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.
6. 99 PERENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.
7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALEL UNIVERSE.
8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.
11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.
12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE
CHEESE.
13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.
14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.
15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.
16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.
17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!
19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!
21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.
22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.
23. OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?
24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?
25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY
OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.
26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.
27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.
28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.
29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?
30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?
31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.
32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?
33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.
34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.
35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?
36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT
HAPPENED.
37. JUST REMEMBER - IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.
38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR
BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.
39. WHO IS GENERAL FAILURE AND WHY IS HE READING MY HARD DISK?
40. I'M NOT INTO WORKING OUT. MY PHILOSOPHY IS NO PAIN, NO PAIN.
41. I'M IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE.
42. I'M DESPERATELY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY KAMIKAZE PILOTS WORE
HELMETS.
43. DO YOU THINK ILLITERATE PEOPLE GET THE FULL EFFECT OF ALPHABET
SOUP?
44. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SOMEBODY, BUT I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE
SPECIFIC.
45. EVER NOTICE THAT WHEN YOU BLOW IN YOUR DOG'S FACE, HE GETS MAD AT
YOU, BUT WHEN YOU TAKE HIM IN THE CAR, HE STICKS HIS HEAD OUT THE
WINDOW?
46. EVER NOTICE THAT ANYONE GOING SLOWER THAN YOU IS AN IDIOT BUT
ANYONE GOING FASTER THAN YOU IS A MANIAC?
47. ONE OUT OF EVERY THREE PERSONS IS SUFFERING FROM SOME FORM OF
MENTAL ILLNESS. THINK OF TWO OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS. IF THEY ARE OKAY,
THEN IT MUST BE YOU.
48. THEY SHOW YOU HOW DETERGENT TAKES OUT BLOODSTAINS. I THINK IF
YOU'VE GOT A T-SHIRT WITH BLOODSTAINS ALL O VER IT, MAYBE LAUNDRY
ISN'T YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM.
49. QUITTERS NEVER WIN, WINNERS NEVER QUIT, BUT THOSE WHO NEVER WIN
AND NEVER QUIT ARE IDIOTS.
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