Aviation Truths
Credits to Roger Osgood #3555
The scientific theory I like best is
that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline
baggage
An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and
sex was safe
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The
optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist the parachute.
Airlines have really changed, now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant.
If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage/classic
helicopter fly-ins
Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed or
rotor RPM
Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers &
helicopters -- in that order -- need two."
There are only three things the copilot should ever say:
1. Nice landing, Sir.
2. I'll buy the first round.
3. I'll take the ugly one.
As a pilot, only two bad things can happen to you and one of them
will.
1. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your
last flight.
2. One day you will walk out to the aircraft *not* knowing that it
is your last flight.
There are Rules and there are Laws. The Rules are made by men who
think that they know how to fly your airplane better than you.
Laws (of Physics) are made by the Great One. You can, and sometimes
should, suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.
About Rules:
1. The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better
idea and the talent to execute it.
2. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance.
(e.g. If you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge).
The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and
aggressiveness.
To become a helicopter pilot, one must be an egomaniac with low self
esteem.
The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation
profession.
Ever notice that the only experts who decree that the age of the
pilot is over are people who have never flown anything?
Also, in spite of the intensity of their feelings that the pilot's
day is over I know of no expert who has volunteered to be a
passenger in a non-piloted aircraft.
Before each flight, make sure that your bladder is empty and your
fuel tanks are full.
He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot;
He that demands one iota more, is a fool.
There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.
The aircraft limits are only there in case there is another flight
by that particular aircraft. If subsequent flights do not appear
likely, there are no limits.
Flying is a great way of life for men who want to feel like boys,
but not for those who still are.
Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living.
Forget all that stuff about lift, gravity, thrust and drag. A
helicopter flies because of money. If God had meant man to fly, He'd
have given him more money.
If black boxes survive air crashes -- why don't they make the whole
plane out of that stuff?
"If the Wright brothers were alive today Wilbur would have to fire
Orville to reduce costs." President DELTA Airlines
In the Alaska bush I'd rather have a two hour bladder and three
hours of gas than vice versa.
It's not that all helicopter pilots are good-looking. Its just that
good-looking idiots seem to want to fly helicopters.
I've flown in both pilot seats -- can someone tell me why the other
one is always occupied by an idiot?
Son, you're going to have to make up your mind about growing up and
becoming a pilot. You can't do both.
There are only two types of aircraft -- fighters and targets.
You define a good flight by negatives: you didn't get hijacked, you
didn't crash, you didn't throw up, you weren't late, and you weren't
nauseated by the food. So you're grateful.
New FAA Motto: We're not happy, till you're not happy.
Laws of Life
Credits to John Hardy #3711
Murphy's First Law for Wives:
If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then
you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first
five.
Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you
are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is
noticed.
The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase
your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home
pay.
Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except
what happens.
First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always
wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only
cross-references.
Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard
will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden
when stale.
The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way
home from the market is always hidden at the bottom of the grocery
bag.
Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go
unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the
parking lot.
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A Cowboy's Guide to Life
Credits to Jim Davis #3622
* Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
* Your fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
* Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how
well you bounce.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered , , , not yelled.
* Meanness don't jest happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen
anyway
* Don't squat down with your spurs on.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think
back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.
* The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder
it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop
diggin'.
* If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
* It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
* Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with
watches you shave his face in the mirror every mornin'.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try
orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Don't worry about bitin' off more 'n you can chew; your mouth is
probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
* Only cows know why they stampede.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there with ya.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from
bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin'
it back in.
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