Scotch with two drops of water
Credits to Ron Spiker #3836
A lady goes to
the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of
water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today....'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy
you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes
her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I
want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says
As she finishes that drink, the man to her
left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman
says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why
the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman
replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your
liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
Your friends compliment you
on your new
and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens
the garage door.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't
have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to
slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to
take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
means you find your car
in the parking lot.
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are not sure
these are jokes.
credits to Tom Cassidy #3883
They say you should
learn something every day. So here we go with 11 questions and their
1. Q: Why are many coin savings banks shaped like
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a
dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars
made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an
English potter misunderstood the word, he made a bank that resembled
a pig. And it caught on.
2. Q: Did you ever wonder why old
sovereigns, shillings and sixpences had notches or milling round the
edges, while pennies did not?
A: The Royal Mint began putting
notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to
discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious
metals. Sovereigns were gold and shillings and sixpence pieces were
notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and aren't
notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to
3. Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right
while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons
were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the
rich. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put
the buttons on the maid's right! Since most people are right-handed,
it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left.
And that's where women's buttons have remained since.
Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the
Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write,
documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an
oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the
kiss eventually became synonymous.
5. Q: Why is shifting
responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck,
from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a
player did not wish to assume the responsibility, he would 'pass the
buck' to the next player.
6. Q: Why do people clink their
glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for
someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To
prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a
guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the
host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted
his host, he would then just touch or clink the host's glass with
7. Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be
'in the limelight'?
A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in
lighthouses and stage lighting by burning a cylinder of lime which
produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, performers on stage 'in
the limelight' were seen by the audience to be the center of
8. Q: Why do ships and aircraft in trouble use
'mayday' as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French
word m'aidez - meaning 'help me' – and is pronounced 'mayday.'
9. Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
Types of clouds were numbered according to the altitudes they
attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be
on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.
10. Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
France , where tennis first became popular, a big, round zero on the
scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is
French for 'egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans
pronounced it 'love.'
11. Q: In golf, where did the term
'Caddie' come from?
A. When Mary, later Queen of Scots, went to
France as a young girl (for education & survival), Louis, King of
France, learned that she loved the Scot game 'golf.' So he had the
first golf course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To
make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she
played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her.
Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very
good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In
French, the word cadet is pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed
it into 'caddie.'
Inconclusive travel plans for all of 2014
I have been in many
places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go
alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to
be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my
friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions,
but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to
go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in
Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It
really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my
age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think
I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.
telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there
I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember
what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very
wet and damp there.
I have been in Deepshit many times; the
older I get, the easier it is to get there.
PLEASE DO YOUR
Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days
throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an
e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done!
might want to adopt this rule for your everyday behavior: "Life is
short. Smile while you still have your teeth."
unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head
- we're all doing pretty well in mine!
Author - anon
You Know an Old
Freight Dog When
*Your airplane was getting old when you
. You have not done a daylight landing in the past six
. ATC advises you of smoother air at a different
altitude, and you don't give a shit.
. When you taxi up to an FBO
they roll out the red carpet, but quickly take it back when they
. You call the hotel van to pick you up and they
don't understand where you are on the airport.
. Center asks you
to "keep the chickens down" so they can hear you talk.
airplane has more than 75,000 cycles.
. Your company call sign is
. The lady at the FBO locks up the popcorn machine
because you plan on "making a meal of it".
. Your airplane has
more than eight faded logos on it.
. You wear the same shirt for
a week, and no one complains.
. Center mispronounces your call
sign more than three times in one flight.
. Your Director of
Operations mysteriously changes your max. take off weight during the
. Every FBO makes you park out of sight of their
. You have ever walked barefoot through the
FBO............ because you just woke up.
. You mark every ramp
with engine oil.
. Everything you own is in you flight bag and
. All the other pilots wait for you to "test the squall
. All the other airlines hold to see if you get in.
. You request the visual approach with 300' overcast and ˝ SM vis.
. You make no attempt to deviate around weather.
- You don't
bother to check the weather because you're going anyways.
have an emotional reunion with your newly assigned Beech 99 because
you used to fuel it 25 years earlier when it only had 18,000 cycles
on it and the windows weren't painted over.
- You've slept more
nights at Willow Run than in the house you grew up in.
management thinks a derelict fuel truck for you to sleep in is a
- You hope to someday make it to the big time...
- You carry your own personal step ladder in the
back of the aircraft.
- you've changed tires, starter generators,
and ADI's but you're neither an A&P or an avionics tech.
have a secret Mexican family in Del Rio, Texas.
- The tip tanks
also serve as an alarm clock when they run dry.
- You become VERY
proficient at nightime aileron rolls to stay awake.
- You lose
your radios and the approach controller says, "Hey, Mailbag 216,
wake up! I know you're sleepin' up there!"
- On a clear night you
consider it normal to make a low pass or two to clear the ground fog
and deer off the runway at Presque Isle.
- You fly with a Captain
who has both dead-sticked a DC-3 at night to a safe landing and had
to declare an emergency because his copilot tried to pee out an old
antennae hole on a Convair 240 and was nearly castrated.